Five Lessons My Son is Teaching Me

I’m doing the best I can over here

Over four years ago my wife and I made the decision to be parents. Once the kid popped out, the selfish idea of any ‘me time’ gets tossed out the window. You are beholden to the little tornado’s wishes in so many logic-defying ways. While you love them beyond reason, they are still able to teach you so much. My wife and I are too exhausted to have any more kids, so our little guy is stuck with just us, but that gives us the ability to focus a lot of attention on him. As a result, he’s gifted me with some profound lessons that have been a little painful to internalize. Kids are a mirror to all our weird neuroses and they’re adept at reflecting it right back in your face.

Here are my top five humbling moments (and what it taught me) from the past four and a half years:

My little guy had to have this stick, so he figured out a way to carry it on his bike for three blocks to get it home. Taught me perseverance.

Number 1: Patience

I have precious little patience for most things. I know this. My wife knows this. My son has the ability to push my already thin patience to the absolute limit. I’m sure this isn’t news to most people who have interacted with children. They’re little button pushers and they know the exact buttons to set you off. Typically this button is a trait of our own that’s on top of our shame pile. When scolding him in public, I tend to be more reserved – I have been working hard to reprimand him in private the same as I do in public. I strive for consistency with my punishments and not confuse him with erratic behavior. I don’t ever want my son to second guess my intentions so he won’t become so frustrated with me.

This clarity of where you draw the line also makes you more reliable as a decision maker.

Number 2: Not knowing is okay

My wife and I have had some situations with our son where he didn’t quite know what to say to our questions and he sort of stalled out on us. My wife took advantage of the moment and let him know that “it’s okay to say you don’t know.” I figuratively slapped my forehead and was excited by my wife’s words, this was such a great way to teach him how to develop his growth mindset.

Saying ‘I don’t know’ in meetings really helps me better understand the question, and gives me a weird sense of confidence in admitting my blind spots.

Number 3: Play is creativity

My son is an only child. I am in awe of how he will camp out in his play area for an hour or more just riffing on stories about a Lego car he just made. I have sat and studied him to try and figure out where this creative approach comes from. He is applying a sort of divergent thinking, free-association combo that I initially struggled to emulate. He uses made up words, nonsense combos and appropriation in his own unique riffs and stories. I’ve tried to apply his techniques in my own creative approach with some success.

My adult inhibitions and fear of looking ridiculous can block my efforts at times, but I have been able to use play in my writing brainstorms to get more flavorful results.

Number 4: Ask questions constantly

Holy shit the number of ‘whys’ I have to field on a daily basis is taxing my brain like I’m taking the PSAT. I’m grasping at answers that will make sense to his three year old brain, while wondering half the time if I’m providing accurate information. It feels exactly like when you get caught in a lie, you’re bending your words and your brain is doing logic somersaults. The thing that wears you down most though, is how he asks the same thing at least 18 times. But he remembers so many factoids!

I’ve been asking the same question a few times at work to be extra sure I’ve committed the topic at hand to memory. So far the results are positive.

Number 5: Be kind

“You’re not being kind,” is said a fair amount at our house. This one is a no-brainer. We’re trying to teach him to be a kind person, but it’s been this fuzzy challenge to fully define what exactly kind looks like. I say this because my son will tell me something like “you are rotted food, wanna throw you in the trash,” or “I’m going to put you on the train tracks and run you over.” Objectively not kind, but way too funny not to be hiding your laughter while you gently remind the boy that is not how you talk to people.

I’ve been laughing too hard at his takedowns of me to glean any real lesson from this one. I don’t know if my kid has made me a better designer, but having kids definitely shifts your focus. These tiny self-awareness reflectors help keep us honest, I guess.